Do I Really Want To Die ?

If I scratch my vein
With something sharp like a blade
Will there be blood ?
Will the blood free me from myself ?
Will I bleed all the tears I want to bleed ?
Will the hot, sticky redness be enough ?
Will it take away the pain ?
Will I want to leave the scratch
Until I die ?
Do I really want to die ?
Or do I want to live
More than anything in the world ?

SH November 2008

Who ?

Does abscence make the heart grow fonder ?
Or simply make the yearning longer ?
Who wants what they have not got ?
Who tries to forget what they did not have ?

There is a reflection of those things
In a glass door
As the thoughts go around
And around more

I can't go to that place of hurt
And speak the words I know I ought
It's too hard to acknowledge
There is where the darkness started

What's the point in that or this ?
How warm is the hold I miss ?
How far from the shore
Is the room which closes constantly ?

How Hard Is It ?

No-one knows
How hard it is to be me
To drag my heavy heels through
My life day after day
Even when it's better
Knowing not better will return
To consume the whole of me again

No-one can hold me
Like I want to be held
I want to be held forever
How long is forever ?
I think of forever as until I die
Sometime I hope that is soon
Why does to die feel easy
When to continue to live
Feels impossible ?

SH November 2008

A Virtue

Acceptance is a virtue
Why can't I just let this be
Until it passes
Simply allow the whole
Of everything to be shit
To smell of death
To be riddled with my
Words of self hatred
And doubt
Maybe that's how it is meant to be

SH November 2008

Life In The Freezer

It's so dark
So deep and cold in here
In the freezer of my soul
Secrets that I don't even know myself
The light
Is out there
I know it is
But I can't reach it
It's farther than the end of me

What's It Like

What's it like to feel pain ?
This is what it's like to feel pain
Better than dead with a heart of stone
To feel is a gift
Pain itself, is that a gift ?
Not I gift that I want in my life
I don't know why
I just can't manage it
To live one day and simply feel gratitude
To moan and whinge is all I know
Oh how I want to know other things
How long before I can know other things

SH November 2008

More Birthday Wishes

I'm writing in rhyme again
Can't seem to help it
I want to say something
And the words simply fit

There's a rhyme in my mind
And I don't know for who
But today's someones birthday
So I think that it's you

My buddy, my friend
My pal through it all
Through thick and through thin
I know it's not small

This thing that we've found
The quality of which
Is second to none
And appearing to stitch

Us together as two
Friends in a million
Or wait a sec
Maybe a billion gazillion ?

The biggest hug I can send
Is winging it's way
From Bristol to Leeds
On this your big day

Cos I wish you the best
Hope you have a great time
I'll be sitting at home
Thinking hmmm what's that line ?

Oh yeah
Happy Birthday

SH November 2008

Blood

Eyes red with blood
Or is it the suns love ?
Tears pour as easily as wine
Hot like burning lava
Fire

SH November 2008

Pain

Pain is an all encompassing being
Which lives in my heart
By the wall
Where it's wet
In the dark

Joy is so subtle I can hardly detect it
Where does joy live ?

SH November 2008

Bleak Weak

I sit and wait patiently
for the bleak night to end
The bleak night merges with
the bleak day
All I have are bleak nights
and bleak days
Bleeding into each other
Only darkness
A cold barren wasteland
Devoid of love
Just tumbleweed and rain

SH November 2008

Winter

The harsh, cold winter
Leaks into my heavy heart
Lashing the fragile
Threads of yesterdays
When I felt so much better
They break like old bones
Deep snow is almost to
The top of my door
My fire is broken
All I have are the twigs
Which together make nothing

SH November 2008

Alone

There's no-one at the door
There's no-one on the phone
There's a heart in desperate need of love
And it sits here on it's own

The air outside is still
And nothing moves
My limbs are feeling heavy
Almost like they're bruised

It's so very lonely
Sitting here
As I do

SH November 2008

Who Am I Really

Who can imagine it all
Yet has none of it
Who hurts all the time
And can never rest except in pain

Who has the reddest blood
With the deepest heart which oozes
Who wishes they never knew love
As they glimpse love all the time

Who knows many things
Yet professes to know nothing
Who dreams of softness
With no pretence

Who goes out
But wishes they stayed in
Who stays in
And wishes wishes were real

Who hates the dark
Yet visits over and over
Who aches for the light
Yet curls tighter than the tightest thing

Who writes these weepy sonnets
And yearns to escape
Who knows not where
Escape is

SH November 2008

It's Pure Pain

I imagine you with her
On just an ordinary day
You tuck her hair behind her ear
In just your ordinary way

Both sitting there to watch TV
There are no words you need
You reach across to touch her face
It's purely love you're there to feed

She looks lovingly at you and smiles
She knows you'll always care
She holds your hand and squeezes it
Both manifesting love you share

Sitting side by side you are
Her body draped upon you
Your hand on her there'll always be
The sweetest love to join you

In a tenderly and gentle way
She feels loving arms support her
Close enough to feel your heartbeat
As your soft breath falls around her

On her forehead falls a kiss
She's waiting for another
There's nothing deeper in this world
Than this connection with her mother

There's a sparkle in her eyes because
You're bonded with your daughter
And that's the way it should be done
This is not uncharted water


I wish I wanted her with me
On just an ordinary day
But she never touched my hair like that
She could never be that way

We never sat to watch TV
She never sowed the seed
She never reached to touch my face
There was never any love to feed

If I had looked at her and smiled
She would have then suspected
I needed her to hold my hand
No hint of love detected

Look how far apart we are
And how hard I tried to love her
She always turned away from me
And now I no longer want her

She couldn't seem to find a way
To put her arms around me
I never heard her heartbeat
Or felt her breath surround me

Never did I get a kiss
And I could wait forever
That pleasure did not visit me
From the land of never never

There's no sparkle in my eyes at all
She never bonded with her daughter
It didn't have to be that way
But she put poison in the water

SH November 2008

Lesley Is Fifty

Things keep on changing
They are all different now
If you take a look back
I wonder just how
Much different from then
Year forty, thirty, twenty or ten
Now fifty years past
Who knows what is next
Maybe your angels will tell you by text
You are a late, late rose
In the November sun
This rhyme is for you
And this day is the one
When all your friends
Will get together
For to party till dawn
Turning hell into leather
So lets toast to your birthday
Go drink and be merry
Be thankful for small things
Like being too young for sherry

I wish you big love
And also much laughter
As your heart comes to rest
In the happy-ever-after
And in many years to come
When you look back again
You will marvel as you remember
Wow I was only fifty then

SH Novemeber 2008