Owed (Ode) To Karuna - The Inside Story (You Heard It Here First!)

I'm off, I'm heading for Karuna
My latest challenge starts today
The Foundation of Core Process
I trust my journey, lead the way

There is sudden white noise all around me
And all the rooms feel way too small
Six other people closing in
I hear it, the familiar call

It begs the question, am I present ?
Can I rest here in my heart ?
I love it and I hate it
And I'm only at the start

Inner stillness with awareness
Finding rainbows, my mid-line
Will I ever conquer boundary ?
Soft thoughts, soft breath, soft spine

I discover now, it's contact
And I feel like I can't bear
As I notice just how perfect
The opportunity is right there

Then when J talks of being born
From deep inside up comes my guard
And while everyone else is moving towards
I'm running away, it's far too hard

Introducing - My Process 'ding ding'
Round 3 - Resistant Core Process student VS the undefeated champion Kym Nye
The stress arising is transmarginal
And it will not go away

J tells me 'trust the integrity of your process'
I want to fall into her smile
For every inch I'm crawling forwards
I'm rolling back at least a mile

When I'm almost half way through
But simply starting to arrive
J drops her bombshell
How can I possibly make it through THAT alive ?

A week of resonance and reflection
Dear everybody, I need you to know that my therapist is here

Compassion ? Loving Kindness ? How can I find myself in this ?
How can my joy be sympathetic ? When it's my adult that I miss

.. HELLO .. my therapist is here

I've learned that's just the way it is
It's called equanimity
I am trying just to let it be
To let it go and let it be

.. BUT my therapist is here

I am sensitive withdrawn
I am burden enduring

.. AND ..
my therapist is here

It's time to get our needs met
And I am totally freaking out
Requests include the innovative mattress therapy
As I ask myself, why is this happening, what's it about ?

Is it really JUST because my therapist is here ?

I lie in the gentle holding space
I am cradled in their loving arms
What's the time Mr Wolf ?
Ask my therapist, did I mention, she is here ?

J gives back my space and leaves
YES .. finally .. she is gone
But the transference remains with J
And so my battle goes on

This was the gift within the trauma
And though I see that now
In the holding, in the library
I called J a cow

In bed that night I told it
That's enough now, go away
And the next day in our peer group
We made little things in clay

Really it's not about tofu (no .. really ?!)
And how I strive
.. the consequence was .... wait for it ....
I did, I made it through that week and look, I'm still alive

I head home with anger and with hurt
Where I ranted and I raved
I'm sick of being quiet, holding back,
So well behaved

I told J, I hate you
'Us' together at Karuna was such a big mistake
Somewhere deep inside me
I knew that call was safe for me to make

It's deeper where we meet now
Our relationship so rich
Still things do not happen quickly
The push-pull is such a bitch

What follows on is Transformation
To a butterfly from a grub
From old patterns I'm aware of
Guilt and shame I want to scrub

There was anger in the field today
Pleeeeease just ring the ending bell
I feel like I do not exist
A feeling that I know so well

Having hidden for years behind veils and seals
Maybe now that can come to an end
In the safe holding space as I speak my truth
With hope the damage I can finally mend

It's all concluding very soon now
The final weekend is in my sight
I am happy and I'm also sad
It's been filled with shadow and with light

Will I become a therapist ?
Really, really I don't know
Will I take up the training ?
Will I come back to stay, or will I go ?

When this weekend is said and done
I do know I will raise my hat
To J, J, N
S, JP and P

I am glad and I am sorry
It is over, it is done
I hold up gratitude to the Universe
As it appears I owe it one

I am very glad I came to Karuna
And I sat
I thank with all sincerity
Goodness and difficulty
For that


SH July 2010